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Some tips on dealing with customers...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Performance Evaluation

The British Military writes EPR's on an officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


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